Apple: Make your MP3 player sound better

Tech-news!
Hauling the gadgetry info-pants over the buttocks of opinion

Item! Use a Dell laptop and you may die! To paraphrase a recent piece in Private Eye, we’ve all been shocked by the Sony batteries in Dell laptops causing explosions, fires, and potential scorched eyebrows and death and ha haha ha hahahaha ha! Look at that sucker burn! Now we know what computer mags mean when they say processor speeds are “scorching”! Snirk!

Item! Apple’s next iPod may be able to sync with iTunes wirelessly… and I’m not just saying that so James from T3.co.uk can put a link to that picture of the panda-eyed chick in PVC boots holding a sort of made-up iPMP thing yet again! Well, that’s nice. Syncing without wires. The only possible problem with that is… WHY IN THE NAME OF EARTH, WIND AND FIRE WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO THAT THEN, EH? Jesus. Apple: Go back to your Swedish chairs with no backs and make your MP3 player sound better than a 1980s transistor radio. And while you’re at it, sell songs in your “Store” at a bit-rate that doesn’t sound like a valve radio from the 1950s. Then you can get on with finding ways to leave the USB cable out of the box. Melon farmers.

Ask an IT helpline
Every week, an IT helpline offers help and advice on emotional matters.

Dear IT Helpline
“The other day, I came back to find my boyfriend straddling the postman. He says it was simply an accident caused by him hoovering in his dressing gown when the postie came to deliver a package that was so heavy it caused him to slip a disc and fall forwards over the package while my boyfriend was unfortunately, simultaneously tripping over a discarded tin of dog food, causing his dressing gown to fly open, and the only thing he could find to grab on to in order to arrest his fall was the postman. I have been wracked with worry ever since, not least because we don’t own a dog. What should I do?”
Worried, Abergavenny

Ask an IT Helpline replies:
Yeah, sorry, the server’s shut down at the moment, and I can’t access that system. You should have got an email, we sent one out – perhaps you’ve not been maintaining your email quotas. Have you tried rebuilding the desktop file and repairing disk permissions? No? OK – you want to try that then. Bye.

Item! You may be able to speak to your Wii, and it will respond to your emotions, albeit only in a very rudimentary way – a bit like a dog or someone who works in Carphone Warehouse. Once again, “Ninty” continues to pull out genius (although in this case, also possibly fictitious) ideas while its low-rent, so-called rivals witter on about HD-compatibility and having 10-gazillion polygons onscreen in FIFA 2,000,008.  

Rumour Intestine
The silent but deadly gossip-guffs escaping from the tech industry’s online trousers.

Creative Zen’s next PMP will be steam-powered!

David “Green and yet Blue” Cameron is to prove his eco-credentials by having a solar panel fitted into his strangely blemishless, confused-small-child-style face!

The Early Learning Centre has had to recall 100,000 handheld “Santa’s BIG Christmas Stocking” electronic games due to a mix-up with the manufacturers leading to “Santa” being spelled “Satan”. In addition, a further mix-up saw “Stocking” being spelled “Killing Spree”!

It’s all in the details
Minor Korean MP3 manufacturer iRiver had a great idea once. Their H140 let you queue up a song to play, WHILE you were listening to another one. Basically, it’s like DJing – hearing one song triggers memories of another that you’d like to hear next, without the need for tiresome playlist building. More MP3 manufacturers should do this. That is all.

Tech-journo Fun!
For absolutely no reason I can fathom, Vodafone arranged for me (and a bunch of other hacks, but not from the gadget press) to play cricket with several members of the actual England cricket team the other day. And then ask them about iPods, obviously, as that’s what I do in my day-job. From this, I learned the following: Spin bowler Monty Panesar has enormous hands and a no-nonsense manner. Batsman Alistair Cook is the brownest white man in the world and looks about 12. All-rounder Paul Collingwood has ginger hair, five plasma screens and a Bose iPod dock. Wicketkeeper Chris Read is absolutely tiny – he resembles a doll. That’s not very useful information, but I thought I’d share it with you.

I also asked Mr Collingwood if he thought Kevin Pietersen had a plasma screen above his bed on which he might watch footage of himself whilst making love. He appeared not to understand the question, but he did reveal that KP has a 100-incher. And a very big telly as well. Ha ha HA!

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